Give and receive?
Have you ever felt the feeling of being spread too thin?
All modesty aside, I know I have been “generous” enough in a variety of ways. I know I have also given much of myself to people I really deem important. I have given a lot of effort, time, care to everyone I love. And because of this, at times, I feel too “used”. A couple of years ago, I had this same realization: that even if I (feel like I) have given a lot and “invested” a lot in people, I don’t really get much back. Don’t get me wrong; I am not actually expecting something in return for what I am giving, but sometimes, I believe that all of us need something back, some sort of a “reward” for everything we’ve done. Even just a simple “thank you”, a genuine compliment, or maybe a similar gesture as to what you did. Don’t we? Don’t we want and need that?
I have met a lot of people, been friends with a lot of them, and sustained the relationships I felt I needed to survive in this life. But being human, contentment is such a difficult concept to grasp and have. And I think it’s responsible for why I feel this way. Out of all these beautiful friendships and relationships I’ve made all throughout my life, not one of those I can actually consider as the “perfect” one. Well, in all honesty, I am not looking for perfection. All I have wanted, all I have ever wished for was for someone to be there for me, like I’ll be for them; for someone to just understand, even if sometimes I don’t understand myself either; for someone to support me, in times when I need them the most; for someone willing to make an effort to make me happy. At times, I look back at these “standards”, and I think about how simple it looks, yet no one bothers to be that for me. Sucks. No one ever bothers; maybe because they think I can handle everything on my own, maybe because I project that I am fine even if I am struggling inside, maybe because I push people away, maybe because they think I don’t need help. But the truth of the matter is, I do. Badly.
I went to church a while ago and really planned on listening intently to the priest’s homily. It surprised me that the first thing he said when he walked up the podium was something in the lines of, “We have such high expectations of people, and this, more often than not, is what fails us.” After hearing that, I actually remember smiling and looking up at Him, actually ashamed of all my thoughts. Once again, the Lord has understood me and made me realize all the things I needed to. That message from Him really became an eye-opener for me, and it made me re-assess a lot of situations, and made me look at them in a different light. I can’t say yet that I am giving up what I want and wish for; instead, I am changing the way I think about my problem. I promise to strive hard not to blame others for their shortcomings, and see it as to what it really is (maybe my lack of contentment in life). I promise to re-assess the standards and expectations I have for people, and make sure that they don’t exceed what I expect of myself. And lastly, I promise to give more and more of myself, even if I get nothing in return… because giving, in itself, is also receiving.
Acknowledgement: taken from www.500daysofdominique.blogspot.com
Learning How To Overcome Trust Issues What To Do When Your Trust Has Been Violated By Tamara Warta Published February 07, 2008
Having trust issues is a debilitating component of relationships. From suspicion to outright dread toward your current significant other, trust problems can destroy relationships. How does one overcome trust traumas from the past? What does it mean to have trust issues that affect every aspect of life? These are just a couple of the questions you may have if you have been taken advantage of to the point of seemingly no return. A Definition of Distrust: Looking At Trust Issues In order to understand issues of trust, we must first understand what trust really means. According to the dictionary, the definition of trust “implies instinctive unquestioning belief in and reliance upon something.” This may sound like a hefty emotional order, however, it is absolutely vital for our well being that we are able to find this sort of unquestioning expectation in some area of our life, be it family, friends or lovers. Many may read this statement and point out that the word “unquestioning” is difficult to swallow. Our human nature combined with our sometimes hurtful environment and society challenges us to question the good intentions of people continually throughout our lives. Integrity is always a cheap trade for the various scams and selfish motivations of the people in this world. In order to trust, we must not only believe in or rely upon something or someone, rather we must find it in our heart to do both. This can be extremely difficult and sometimes impossible for someone who has developed trust issues. You may have heard the wise words that a relationship has nothing if it does not have trust, and this rings true in many circumstances. Unfortunately, many people in relationships do not realize the importance of honesty and reliability until it is too late. Self-serving attitudes may cause us to hurt the ones we love the most, whether those wounds are inflicted purposely or not. Even worse, at times we ourselves are the ones enduring the wounds, and healing can take years. Most people agree they can sense a lack of integrity in an individual, as if there is a little voice in their head warning them not to trust a particular person. However, when someone is dealing with trust issues, that voice turns into a roar, accusing everyone in his/her life, with or without a valid basis for that fear. Some of us may know a person who has recently been involved in an ugly divorce. Others have caught cheating spouses in the act, or witnessed a friend backstab them in the name of their own personal gain. Whatever the reason for the hurt, it can ruin a person’s faith in others for quite some time. Our instinctual reaction is to prevent it from happening to us again by blocking out everyone who attempts to love us. This can cause further detriment to our lives, as we are no longer able to build functional friendships or romantic relationships. Beginning To Get Over Trust Issues How can such an emotional violation be overcome? The first step is remembering it will not be an easy process. If you are the one fighting through, you may at times be discouraged and feel re-injured. If you are supporting someone else through the process, you too may experience periods of frustration or sadness. Rebuilding trust takes much more time than tearing it down, however, know in the end it will be worth it. When you feel ready to begin rebuilding, the first action necessary is the ability to give people the benefit of the doubt. You may find this process to be most difficult, as it requires you to release guarded emotions you have been hanging onto tightly up until now. Remind yourself that most of the world is not out to “get” you, and just because one person chose to take advantage of you doesn’t mean there are many out there waiting to do the same. If you know a loved one who has trust issues, tell that person repeatedly that you care and that you are not going to betray him or her. Be prepared to have questions directed at you in a suspicious tone, and realize that this is not a lash out at you, but rather a reaction to a past circumstance. Try not to push too hard, as you do not want to scare the individual away or cause him or her to feel threatened. Be a good listener, and allow time and experience to do the rest. If you are someone who has violated another’s trust, keep yourself in check, asking yourself if you are a trustworthy individual. You may feel guilt or shame from past incidents, however, go easy on yourself, as no one can forgive you until you forgive yourself. If you are still involved with the person you hurt, hold yourself fully accountable, checking in often and practicing honesty whenever the opportunity arises. Realize that it may take this person a lot of time to trust you again, and that he or she may never trust you again. However, as long as this person is giving you the chance, work hard toward regaining his or her trust. Dealing with Trust Issues If willing yourself out of suspicion’s way does not seem to be doing the trick, know that professional help is available. If you are a cheater, or have been cheated on in the past, talk therapy can be extremely beneficial. Having the opportunity to discuss your feelings with someone removed from the picture can not only feel good, but can provide you with a new perspective as well. A psychologist has no motivation to defend the trust violator, and may provide some insight that will help you move forward. Group therapy sessions can also be beneficial, as you will find camaraderie in others struggling to meet the same goals as yourself. While you might not be able to trust many people, you may find you can trust each other, and this is a positive step toward moving forward. Talking out your thoughts and feelings with other people who have trust issues can help you feel validated, and develop positive relationships. Also, take some time to examine your personality and certain elements of it that may make trust difficult. Are you a recluse? Dealing with trust issues is always a daunting process, however, the sooner you allow yourself to find love and friendship again, you will be able to fully embrace life again.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache” - William Shakespeare